{"id":16729,"date":"2021-03-24T10:49:36","date_gmt":"2021-03-24T15:49:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/?p=16729"},"modified":"2021-04-01T12:45:35","modified_gmt":"2021-04-01T17:45:35","slug":"the-quaker-oats-quaker-gets-very-sad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/archives\/16729","title":{"rendered":"THE QUAKER OATS QUAKER GETS VERY SAD"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Despite his more careerist decisions, the Quaker Oats Quaker does not like oatmeal. He despises most hot breakfasts. The Quaker Oats Quaker is a yogurt man. He loves a Chobani Flip that he consumes like a goat. \u201cI am a dairy vampire,\u201d he says to his therapist, and she ends their session early. As he walks down the street, the Quaker Oats Quaker sees a sign in a shop window that says <em>10-Cent DVDs<\/em>. \u201cNever in my friendly existence has a dime held so much value,\u201d he says to himself and goes in. The DVDs are in a milk-crate that smells of unfinished basement. He selects <em>Because of Wynn Dixie<\/em>, and the cashier says to him, \u201cYou sure? That movie is very sad.\u201d \u201cSometimes,\u201d the Quaker Oats Quaker responds, \u201ca yogurt is best enjoyed when one is very sad.\u201d He returns home, plays his newly-purchased film, and begins to fill himself with yogurt. The film makes him very sad, and he says to himself, \u201cSometimes, it is difficult to be a Christian in advertising.\u201d He takes another spoonful. \u201cAnd sometimes,\u201d he continues, \u201ca cold breakfast does not make me feel any better.\u201d He lies down on his sofa, feeling too full to move. \u201cI am a dairy vampire!\u201d He exclaims. \u201cA yogurt-filled donut! A corpse embalmed with fermented milk!\u201d He notices a drop of yogurt on his blue coat. It holds its form like a cloud, and it\u2019s shaped like a jellyfish, or maybe a loaf of bread.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h6><a href=\"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/archives\/16711\">TORY HUFF<\/a><\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Despite his more careerist decisions, the Quaker Oats Quaker does not like oatmeal. He despises most hot breakfasts. The Quaker Oats Quaker is a yogurt man. He loves a Chobani Flip that he consumes like a goat. \u201cI am a dairy vampire,\u201d he says to his therapist, and she ends their session early. As he [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2211,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false},"categories":[67],"tags":[25],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6Jypy-4lP","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16729"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2211"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16729"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16729\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16837,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16729\/revisions\/16837"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16729"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16729"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16729"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}