{"id":14077,"date":"2017-12-13T13:07:33","date_gmt":"2017-12-13T19:07:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/?p=14077"},"modified":"2017-12-13T13:07:33","modified_gmt":"2017-12-13T19:07:33","slug":"at-the-brain-injury-research-institute","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/archives\/14077","title":{"rendered":"At the Brain Injury Research Institute"},"content":{"rendered":"

What does your husband remember?<\/em><\/p>\n

Not the pain. Not the now of lists & memory
\nloss. Not what his sons said yesterday. Not that we live as vagrants
\nin Florida. Not that he called Alberta
\nGod\u2019s country, the frozen tundra sprawled beneath the sun like a road
\nsign. Not his mother\u2019s cigarettes & wine.
\nNot how she died, her mouth splayed open.
\nNot now not now not now not\u2014<\/p>\n

When did you first notice the memory loss?<\/em><\/p>\n

What can I say about fog, except that it begins
\ninside him now. That some beginnings are endings.
\nThat his brain turns us into secrets
\nthe way snow turns the world into afterworld.<\/p>\n

Would it be safe to say that long-term memory is intact and short-term memory is where the deficit lies?<\/em><\/p>\n

Safe: (adj.) 1. protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost. 2. uninjured; with no harm done.<\/p>\n

Safe: (noun) 1. a strong fireproof cabinet with a complex lock, used for the storage
\nof valuables. 2. a condom.<\/p>\n

How many concussions has he sustained in his career, to your knowledge?<\/em><\/p>\n

782 lights line the roof of Joe Louis Arena he said after his last fight
\nwhat is the truth if not a wound I remember as a heart
\n-beat & he remembers not at all?<\/p>\n

Tell me about his family.<\/em><\/p>\n

What is a family? A fracture in the ice
\nover a lake? The feral wind. Hands
\nlonging a dollar, or diamonds, or a picture
\nof whoever we pretend to be in public.
\nOr is it how we\u2019ve always been alone
\nin the world? The kids we might fuck up
\nif they don\u2019t understand where
\nthey come from? The wind that takes
\n& takes what isn\u2019t nailed down?<\/p>\n

How would you describe his mood swings? Any CTE symptoms?<\/em><\/p>\n

Hurricanes nest in our backyard. Lightning struck
\n& caught the yard on fire during a monsoon last year.
\nWho says that lightning only strikes the highest point?<\/p>\n

Have there been any change in his appetite?<\/em><\/p>\n

For sex? Or food? Or safety, when he is, again,
\na small child that I coax out of the dark?<\/p>\n

For another kid amidst the panic of two kids?
\nThis wolfish hunger that\u2019s his: for light, for asylum.<\/p>\n

For a body to climb inside other than his own.
\nFor this world to remember.<\/p>\n

What treatment has he had up to this point?<\/em><\/p>\n

Does wine count? Feverish night-rides through rain-
\nslick streets. Sleep, & no sleep. Rehashing two or three thoughts on a loop.
\nSewing: the needle held tight, the push-back of the fabric
\nso like skin. Scrubbing tile floors to distill the weather in his brain.
\nBut what human has ever been able to turn off the rain?<\/p>\n

What are the most significant changes you\u2019ve noticed over the last twenty-plus years?<\/em><\/p>\n

When he says love, he means he can\u2019t stay here<\/p>\n

like this. He means his hands shake all day.<\/p>\n

He means he can\u2019t control his closed fists. The early<\/p>\n

dark. Any god or human who condemns him as missing.<\/p>\n

Or whomever, already, we miss, & miss, & miss.<\/p>\n

CHELSEA DINGMAN<\/a><\/h6>\n
<\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What does your husband remember? Not the pain. Not the now of lists & memory loss. Not what his sons said yesterday. Not that we live as vagrants in Florida. Not that he called Alberta God\u2019s country, the frozen tundra sprawled beneath the sun like a road sign. Not his mother\u2019s cigarettes & wine. Not […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1425,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false},"categories":[54],"tags":[25],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6Jypy-3F3","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14077"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1425"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14077"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14077\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14078,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14077\/revisions\/14078"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14077"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14077"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp0.vanderbilt.edu\/nashvillereview\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14077"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}